After three years, it’s finally here: the end of my days at the Jambar. This place, as crazy as it can be, has opened a lot of doors for me. I would not be the person I am today without the paper, and I owe a lot to The Jambar. Now, for my goodbyes.
Cassy, the future of The Jambar rests in your hands. Don’t mess it up. Seriously. Don’t. Also, get a Jambar tattoo; it’s a right of passage.
Josh, get suits, a standing desk and stop watching baseball. Keep your cool, and you’ll be a great managing editor. See you on Reddit.
Tom, you gave me a shot when I had yet to prove my worth. You lobbied hard for SCJ and The Jambar to give me a chance. Thank you for that. I hope I didn’t let you down.
Attorney Slipski, you’ve been one of the most supportive faculty members I’ve meet throughout my time here. I cannot sufficiently express my gratitude for your endless encouragement. I hope to still receive congratulatory and critical emails, at least so I know someone reads my work.
MB, thanks for making my “dreams come true.” You have been my biggest defender every time I’ve pissed off a faculty member or “surreptitiously” recorded someone in public — in a one-party consent state. Also, thanks SO MUCH for revealing my secret crush at the English banquet.
Speaking of, Julia Gergits, I love you. If things don’t work out between you and Jim, I’m here for you.
Cassondra, your girl advice is invaluable. Be good to Kevin. He’s fragile.
Keeley, you’ll miss me. Admit it. We knocked out some great features pages this year…some.
Paris, our music tastes are surprisingly similar. You’re a great cartoonist, just ease up on the penis jokes.
Kevin, I thought our high school soccer days would be the end of it. Boy, was I bummed out when you were hired.
Alyssa, you’ve changed so much since high school. Now you’re changing too much. Boy bands? Really? Go back to the Lil’ Wayne-obsessed rap-fanatic. She was cool.
Joe, we set the bar too high, my friend. It was a pleasure sharing the sports page with you during our No. 1 sports year. Nobody is more deserving of sports editor than you. Your dedication and enthusiasm will make you a valuable employee for any future employer. Next year is your last shot to bring the ONA Sports award back home. Now, get it done.
Marissa, your music sucks. Deal with it. On a serious note, your passion for live music will undoubtedly land you a job covering those garbage pop-punk bands. Let’s hope it’s at AP.
Justin, you’re a bro. It’s amazing to see how far we’ve come and how much we’ve changed since our troublemaking days. Keep it up. Hope to throw back a few more Kentucky Bourbons this summer.
Rachel, you’re an incredibly smart, driven person and I’m anxious to see what you make of yourself. You were one of my fiercest opponents in editorial writing class, it’s just a shame you were always wrong. Also, we’ll never know if a God exists.
Jenna, bathe, hippie. Ron’s cooler than you. But in all seriousness, you’re a great, loyal friend, and I couldn’t imagine anyone else keeping my ego in check. Bring Ron around this summer before I skip town.
Josh, you were a great EIC and a pleasure to work for. Thank you for leading us to such great heights during your tenure.
Lamar, I feel like this should really just be references to our bizarre jokes. I guess I’ll say something nice. Good job…at life. Now son, don’t touch that cactus. YOU’RE DEAD TO ME! Did you eat my sandwich? I am your sandwich. SCREW GRAVITY.
Emmalee, we need “Guac talk” again soon. Never before have I found someone who wanted to analyze what love actually is over a big bowl of guacamole. We’ve had great conversations and you’re a good friend. We must keep in touch.
Chris, congrats on your potential job, but it’s not in Washington, D.C., so something’s wrong. Your methods may be unorthodox but you somehow find a way to get the job done. After you kick ass in Texas, move to Washington and we’ll be the next Woodward and Bernstein.
Doug, you made me the writer I am today. You challenged me to be better without simply just showing and telling me what to do. I owe you a lot, and I have yet to meet a more productive, diligent worker. Thank you for everything.
Mom and Dad, everything I do is to make you proud. I hope you are.