“I can never tell anyone about what happened in Youngstown, Ohio, one January night,” said fictional anchorman Ron Burgundy in his latest book. “Let me off at the top!”
Knowing Burgundy, whose exploits are featured in the 2004 movie “Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy” and its sequel set to release on Dec. 20, the events are most likely highly entertaining, highly illegal and highly sexual in some nature.
However, we can only speculate. We don’t know what time period these alleged events took place. We don’t know how many people were involved. We don’t know where in the city Burgundy went. We just know it happened here.
Normally, we like to deal with facts, but sometimes guessing can be fun. Here are some of our favorite theories as to Ron Burgundy’s escapade in Youngstown.
—Burgundy met up with “Modern Family” actor Ed O’Neil and barhopped through downtown, ending with an embarrassing round of “Lemoneoke” at The Lemon Grove.
—He met up with the late WKBN anchor Tom Holden in the 1980s to discuss the emerging 24-hour news network featured in “Anchorman 2,” women’s rights in the office and, of course, scotch.
—While drunk one night, he wandered into an abandoned steel mill and got into a fight with a raccoon. He lost.
—After seeing Brick Tamlan kill a man with a trident, he met with Youngstown mob bosses and introduced them to a new way to get rid of problems. The “Youngstown trident” quickly replaced the much more famous and effective “Youngstown tune-up”.
—Former Flint Tropics owner Jackie Moon met with Burgundy in Youngstown to talk about the American Basketball Association’s merger with the National Basketball Association. Things went south and Moon is now serving time in federal prison for attempted murder and illegally operating a garbage truck.
The world will most likely never know what Ron Burgundy was up to in Youngstown that one cold January night. Speculation is always fun, but knowing the real story is just so much better. And when the day finally comes when we know when, where and what happened, there will be celebration in the streets, mothers will name their sons after him and the day will be known as Ron Burgundy Day.