By Gino Diguilio
This past week, I realized something that I thought I had completely under control. I am an extremely insecure, at times angry and judgmental person. I can finally admit that to myself. It is this weird sort of pseudo-identity crisis if you will.
At this point in my life, I think it’s safe to say that I whole-heartedly believed that I knew myself, and that I was comfortable with myself — as do most people. When you consider yourself an adult, you should know who you are, what you stand for and how you want to live your life. But to my newly found crisis, I don’t think I knew that this insecure part of my mind was still alive and kicking.
I thought that I had created this unique brand for myself, and that confidence was something that came easy to me. I knew that I was proud to be who I am and that to the general public, it was easy to see that, but to be completely honest, that is not true now that I think about it. In a lot of ways, the public has been getting a different side of who I really am than what I see in myself. But up until last week, there must have been a time that I was able to convince myself that who I was will be OK, and I ran with it.
However, on an interpersonal level, I am extremely insecure and judgmental. For example, if I am defending my beliefs and my moral values in the general public, I have absolutely no problem with doing that. Screw what others think and let me live my life. On the flip side, sitting down with a friend or family member talking about the ‘exact’ same topic, I will get this overwhelming feeling of fear. Fear that they will not accept me for my individual thoughts, or that my views are making them unhappy. I crave that feeling of acceptance, and without it I become very insecure about myself. I pride myself in the public sector that I don’t take people’s comments or ideas about me to heart. But lately, I honestly have realized that I do; regardless of how many years I have repressed the thought.
What I am trying to get at is, if you feel that you know everything about yourself and that you have things figured out, the reality of it is, you probably don’t. No way around it. Your brain works in wonderful ways, and it has the undeniable ability to create a fake personality and fade the insecurities that you’ve repressed for your entire life. It isn’t a bad thing. It is just something that needs to be worked on. I am here with you and am working on it at the moment.
My personal pseudo-identity crisis is in full force. But what I am learning about myself is something that I can use to further my life journey. Everyone’s will be different as well. So yes, I am very insecure and hide it with fake confidence. I am an angry and judgmental person that hides and copes with it using comedy or humor. I want to be able to get past those things and not ‘have’ to use coping methods or hide a part of myself.
At some point in life, you will learn something about yourself, and it will be an eye opener. That is fine. Welcome it with open arms and create a better self.
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